Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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