I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
