how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i think i just lost a toe
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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