college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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