guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
