hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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