Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
