You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
