I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
