i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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