If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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