Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
