Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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