you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
