So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
