I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
