dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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