hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
