so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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