God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
