my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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