you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
