you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Randomize
