I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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