I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
