Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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