im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
