White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
