Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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