I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
