Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize