New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
