We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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