I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
