I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
