using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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