your parents love me but you hate me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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