When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
