God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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