I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i drank out of a bidet.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
