I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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