If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
