i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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