We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
