you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
