you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
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