im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
