a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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