Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
