I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
