If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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