I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
