why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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