I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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