Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
