and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
