I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
