I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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